A few BIG FAT LIES about parenthood:

Some would call them "myths" - but that would be an euphemism. They are lies!

BIG FAT LIE #1: Breast-feeding helps you to lose weight.

Perhaps this is true for some, but after enduring the Caspi-Man spending the last 4 months of his gestation compacting my stomach (in a manner I can only describe as akin to gastric stapling) I was thrilled, after the birth - to be able to finally fill it again. And, fill it, I did. (Well, I could eat prawns again. And soft cheeses. And smoked salmon. And ... etc.) Suffice to say I put on only 7 kgs during the pregnancy, lost a bit after the birth, and retained at least 9 until the Caspi-Man was weaned a mere 18 or so months later. (See mum, I told you it'd happen before he went to school!)

BIG FAT LIE # 2: They don't stray out of sight of their parents during the toddler years. It is in an inbuilt survival instinct retained from cave-man times.

Quite a few of the child-rearing books I'd read mentioned this. (& The Caspi-Man, goddammit, didn't read those books. How much easier life would be if only he had.) While it is true that he hasn't been eaten by a saber-tooth tiger (or at least to the best of my knowledge he hasn't) there are many other things that potentially could have happened while he was ignoring (or rather blatantly violating) this so called 'natural' instinct.


But,perhaps the BIGGEST FATTEST LIE of them all, is that, once they're toilet- trained - you get your handbag back.

LIE. LIE. LIE!

By this stage they're able to make their own insertions into your bag. Often without your knowledge...

Spoken as one who has just cleaned out her bag and discovered she's been carting around, not one, not even two, but FIVE little cars, one tractor, random bits of lego, a mouse of Olli's, two books, THREE ROCKS (!?!? Yes, people, garden variety ROCKS! And we don't even have a garden!), and roughly one small handful of dried cat food...

(nb: this is by no means an exhaustive list...)